CHAPTER 1
Its been a month since I lost my dad to a car accident, its still hard for me to accept he is gone. I dont think I have ever felt so much pain in my life, at this point it feels like everything is at a stand still. People think because you are at work doing things that means you are ok, someone recently asked me if I had gotten over my dad's death. I didnt know whether to get angry or just stay silent, its not something you get over but something you learn to live with. I miss him everyday of my life and it gets worse as the days go by, I pray that someday I will find the solace I seek so desperately.
CHAPTER 2
After daddy's burial I thought maybe things would get better and the pain would be easier to deal with, found out reverse is the case.
With every passing moment I feel his absence,everywhere I turn I see him walking towards me.
My friend (who lost her dad last year )says this is the time you will remember where he would usually be at any given time,this is so true.
I know the exact times he goes for his stroll around the house, the exact time he reads in his study, the exact time he goes into the room to watch CNN.
I recently put my foot into one of his shoes and the feeling of sadness and loss was so overwhelming and then the tears started to flow.
Its a sad thing when you know that is the closest you would ever get to that person forever.
This may sound weird but sometimes I smell his clothes just to inhale his scent it makes me feel closer to him, I wish I had more to remember him by other than just pictures.
I so long to hear his voice, sometimes I fear as the years go by I would forget what his voice sounds like
I get really sad thinking of all the moments he is going to miss
Me getting my first real job and helping out with the bills
Him walking me down the aisle on my wedding day (never in my life did I ever think or imagine my brother would be the one walking me down the aisle)
The birth of my first child (my childhood were my best moments, I was looking forward to re-living those moments through my children. Daddy would have made the best grandpa ever, he loved kids and in return they loved him)
I went home last week to kyado (with my mother and brothers) to visit daddy's grave, I wanted to see his resting place for the first time without the circus(burial ceremony).
At first I didnt feel a thing just numbness,I don't know if this is normal or strange.
It was later that night that the the tears came, everything had just changed
normally when daddy came home alot of people came around to say hello now the whole place was just quite almost like a grave yard.
I cried myself to sleep it was just too painful to be back home and feel empty instead of having that sense of peace and belonging .
4 comments:
Annie I'm consumed with so much guilt as I write this, because amisdt the chaos of my own life events I lost complete contact with a good friend. I cannot believe I have been so off to not have even heard about your dad let alone support you. The truth is you were never forgotten, I often would browse social networks and remember the times we had together and you and your essentially beautiful unassuming self though all that is purely nothing without the act that shows the good intent. I cannot say I understand your loss but that from what I know of you, your inner resillience and strenght will pull you through. Your own blog is a positive channel it is trully carthartic to express and pour it all out. I am sorry to hear of the fool who assumes someone can ever get over a loved one, regardless...but it is one of those things not everyone has a healthy perception of these things let alone self awareness. I can't say it enough, its prob been a year since I last spoke to you, for someone I used to live with and was quite close to, I am shocked I don't even know where you are. This is me, the reclusive academic stuck in the world of academia missing out on other vital parts and at this point you have prompted the motivation to change as I cannot loose touch with people that were so important to me. I'm so sorry annie, this is a long response, but you know I talk forever....you will find the solace desperately sought for, remember all the things that you dad stood for, his values, his favourite things and keep them forever close to you. He is only trully gone when memories do not prevail, he lives forever in you, your sis and your mum. You are prob the most beautiful girl I know, more so because you never carried yourself as if you were the real deal! Your personal was so non-judgemental, remember I used to joke I'd never have you on my wedding trail because you would ruin my wedding pictures because you were so out of this world, tall ever willing to learn, and stunning ( always in tune with fashion)....now you remember who this is. :)..even back then I remember something that you did despite not wanting to do it, sacrifice for dad! You made him very proud annie you did and you carry his legacy. My condolensces to the family. Update me send me your bb pin. I'll wait on your details on facebook, take care annie be strong and stand tall..you always did and your radiance will always shine through! I don't expect that things will ever be the same with the loss but you will ensure things are just as good as the same...and keep the family together. I am here if you ever need to talk, I can't say I understand your pain and loss my father was really never there but even at that a loss is forever a loss but life teaches us to gain strenght and appreciate every day we live to see tomorrow. Take care annie lots of warmth and regards...ryukang :-) love u loads
you just made me cry olu.thank you so much. would send my details xx
So sorri for ur loss annie. Pray God grants u d fortitude to bear this loss. You now have a blog, thumbs up gal! Keep up d good work, ur dad would be proud of u wherever he is. It is well.
Annie I jus read ur blog nd.....I won't I knw hw u feel cos I dnt..I can't imagine life without my dad..d tot of it scares d shit outta me..I remember in 2007 my dad was ill dat even d docs told us 2 go home nd pray..at dat point I lost hope buh God was faihful and I knw God will give u nd ur family d strength 2 go on..ur dad will always b wiv u..in spirit nd in ur heart...maxon
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